Have you ever seen a bull fight?  I relate this sport to the RED FLAGS in our lives. A “Torero” and the bull are the participates in the ring.  The “Matador de Toro” waves the red cape as he makes the final kill.

What’s a Red Flag? It’s a feeling in your gut that something isn’t right.  Our feelings are like the Torero, who makes little jabs that fire up the bull, resembling something in us that says, “back away, and run.”  But we don’t!  We do not listen to our instincts.  We make excuses for their behavior.  This includes our husbands, kids, parents, co-workers and siblings.   After a bit of time, the Matador comes in for the kill.  We are the prey.  That killing thrust of the blade means to me divorce, broken friendships and failed relationships.  Listen to that small voice telling you not to go, not to trust, or act etc., etc.!

Gavin de Becker wrote in The Gift of Fear,   “we are the only animals on the planet who do not listen/or pay attention to our instincts. Our instincts scream (the red cape) that something is wrong and run, run as fast as you can.”   When we have gut wrenching feelings, you know what I mean, don’t you? Here are some examples:

  • He lied to me because he loves me and didn’t want to lose me.
  • Sometimes he’s not nice but he does love me, and I love him enough for the both of us.
  • He had to take the $$$ out of the savings.  No matter what the story is I believe him!
  • He drinks like that because his job is so demanding.  It helps him unwind. No, he doesn’t have a problem!
  • He hit me because I made him so angry and he had a hard day at work.  You know, the pressure.
  • I’m so sorry it will never happen again!
  • “My kids would never do drugs, not my kid”
  • “My daughter, naked selfie, no way”?

We can add to the list.  It might be a bit embarrassing and hard to see and admit we were fooled.  So I shut up and say nothing.  By saying nothing, nothing is wrong with me or relationship.

The RED FLAGS are there. Odds are we don’t want to see them, so we make excuses rather than deal with them. I had red flags in my own past relationships and I refused to take them to heart.  I paid the price. No one else did.

How does this behavior affect your sex life?  When a partner is not concerned in mutual gratification; just his/her own, it’s a red flag.  Making love is not all the time about getting the big “O.”  Sometimes it’s giving the Big “O” to your partner. But if you’re on the short end of the stick, always giving and the receiving stick doesn’t come around for you, that’s a big red flag.

What are your Red Flags?  Please help me make a bigger list to help our fellow sisters. Let’s share our light so they can find and correct their red flags….


I’m open for one on one life mentoring and accessible for seminars.

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